Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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