There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.â€
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
