I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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