i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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