2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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