I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
