I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
