I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
only you would photoshop your dick
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
