I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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