Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
time to smoke my breakfast
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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