I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
