I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
