She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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