how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
