i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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