My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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