for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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