Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
