So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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