I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
