I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
