you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
