You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
