Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
