Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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