my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize