i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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