why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
This house was built for laser tag.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
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