I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
