We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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