We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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