i dedicated my morning wood to you.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
3 2 1 whiskey
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
