Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Green mimosas i think yes
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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