I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
be right there i have to get my cape
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
