So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Floor bacon is actually really good
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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