That's intense
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
