Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
