I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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