I want to have your abortion
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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