The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
