Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize