Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
