i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
ok first of all what the fuck
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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