im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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