I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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