I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize
