kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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