Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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