my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
