I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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