I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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