I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
