i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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