i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
