I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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