Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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