Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You need Xanax blowdarts
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
