If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
