either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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