I accidentally had phone sex last night
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
