Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
