im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
