Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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