dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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