i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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