Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
