Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
