Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
